After the visit with the termination counsellor I went straight home, curled up in my bed and lay there thinking about my options. I then did what I recommend no one does, but we all do anyway, I googled. I googled abortion experiences. What a horrible thing to Google. Although a lot of them were quite ah, calming? Perhaps. There were still the stories of other women in similar situations to me.
The one thing I had trouble getting past was whether or not I would end up resenting my partner. I knew at the end of the day, if I was to terminate it would be completely and utterly my decision. However, being the typical crazy and emotional female I am, I was still worried that I would end up hating my partner for helping to get me into this situation in the first place.
I cried for a while. I did that a lot really.
When my partner finally got home we discussed how it went and decided it’d probably still be a good idea for him to see the counselor too. It was potentially half of him we were gambling with so an appointment was made the following week.
In the meantime I had started talking to a close friend who had been in a similar situation. She had been down the same path as what I had been down but decided she could not go through with it and today has this gorgeous wee boy who is smothered with so much love. Speaking to someone who knew what I was going through was amazing. It felt so good to cry and vent. My partner decided he too needed to phone someone and asked if I’d be ok if he phoned this mum. Now they’re not at all a lovely-dovey, emotional family. More like practical and headstrong. I knew she would help him look at the bigger picture as well as help lay out his fears.
It has always kind of been decided that men are the bread winners. They bring home the bacon while their wives are at home taking care of the offspring, the house and generally keeping up appearances that everything is roses. For thousands of years they have been the hunters and women the producers of more strong hunters. So it’s fairly safe to say that most men feel it’s their obligation to be strong providers. I knew this is what my partner was struggling with, his view was much like mine. We’d get married, buy a house and be financially stable enough to bring a baby into the world. Unfortunately things don’t always go to plan. And that’s ok. Sometimes they’re not meant to.
We were out for lunch one sunny Saturday afternoon when we finally decided to actually sit down and have a proper chat about where we were both at. This is when he finally told me his biggest fears, that he wasn’t going to be able to provide the life for me and baby that he had always envisioned. We weren’t going to be able to afford all the luxuries anymore, we’d have to make some major sacrifices. But he had taken the money out of his mind for a bit and started to think of the even bigger picture. The fact that currently growing inside me was this beautiful little foetus that was going to grow into this gorgeous little human who was half me and half of him. And he liked the idea of taking this “little boy” hunting and teaching him how to play rugby and just generally having yarns over a beer with him when he was older.
So we decided that the best option for us was to cancel our next appointment with the counsellor, because we already knew what we were going to do. We were going to spend the nexy 8 and a bit months growing this little human into our beautiful little baby. And we were going to be a family.