I feel like the first few days of finding out were a complete whirlwind and a tad of a blur. So much happened in the space of 36 hours! So many life changing facts and thoughts.
I’ll admit at this stage I was slightly excited about the thought of becoming a mum. I’d say like many women, becoming a mother one day was the only thing I was fully sure I wanted to do with my life. On the otherhand, I got the vibe that my partner was definitely more for abortion. Becoming a mum, did I want that right now? Was this possibly my only chance? Was it ready in my relationship?
Before we could really think too much into it we were lucky enough to secure an appointment at the radiologists for an ultrasound scan. This was by far one of the weirdest experiences we as a couple have experienced together. I lay down on the medical table with a bladder full of green tea and a head full of mumble jumble. With a warm squirt of some sort of lube on my lower abdomen I looked eagerly up at the screen. Nothing. We were then informed that perhaps it was too early on to see anything the normal way.
I was asked to go relive my bladder and we would try the vaginal camera. This was the weird part. Picture this; myself, my boyfriend and a pretty blonde lady with a dildo shaped, lubed-up camera. Although I will say, it was nothing like a smear test, so ladies if you ever need this done, I suggest you just relax and ignore the fact the inside of your vagina is on the TV screen in front of you.
We could see this tiny little dot. A little pea, inside a bigger mis-shaped circle. And we were informed at this stage it was “just a yolk”. The sonographer put my gestation down to about 5 weeks, just. We thanked her and went on our merry way.
As we silently got into the car all I could manage was “it’s just a yolk, this should make our decision easier” before I burst into tears.
It’s honestly heart wrenching. The thought that you have the ability to create a life or end it before it has a chance to grow.